If You Wanna Play, You Gotta Pay

It seems to me that parents have to impart a lot of wisdom about a lot of things but it always seems to be that there are one or two lessons that really resonate.  Like even if they only said them one time ever and it wasn’t something they really thought much about, something about how they provide a certain lesson just sticks with you and really makes an impact.

I am fortunate enough to have four full-fledged parents. My biological parents split up when I was four.  I have exactly five distinct memories of the time before they divorced, none of which have anything to do with them being together so the idea of them being together just does not compute for me.  My Dad started dating my step-mom, Sandy, very quickly after and my mom met my step-dad, Brian, when I was eight.  They both treated us, my sister Kristi and I, like we were their own, and so did their families, so to me, this is how it was supposed to be and they are my parents pretty much just as much as my Mom and Dad.  When I got married, my “Dad’s” walked me down the aisle together. My “Mom’s” did all the Mom things together.  

I have lessons from each of them that have stuck more than others – if they’re really specific phrases I even remember the moment they said them (or at least A moment they said them if it was something they said a lot).

From my Dad (aka Pops, or DP [for Daddy Pops]) I got, ‘if you don’t want to get in trouble, don’t get caught’. Seriously.  He’s the super realist Dad who wanted us to live our lives and experience things and would have much preferred to not have to punish us for it.  I also got that if you screw up, just own it and move on; it is never the end of the world and almost never as bad as you think it is.  That one took me a long time to embrace but it was always in my head.  

From my Mom (aka Mama) I got that ‘life is a series of peaks and valleys’.  Things aren’t always just going to be great, and you are inevitably going to have ups and downs, but when you’re at a peak you should remember when you were in the valley and appreciate how far you’ve come and enjoy the moment.  I also got that sometimes, you just need to cry, and that’s fine.  Do it and then figure out why and what you need to do and get on with it.

From Brian (aka Dad…which gets confusing so I’ll use Brian here) when teaching me to drive, I got, “just assume everyone else on the road is trying to kill you and it’s your job to not let them.” And that ‘you can’t always get what you want’ (which was usually sung to us to the tune of the Rolling Stones song, just for that extra level of parental annoyingness.

And from Sandy (aka Mum) I got, that when you’re dating, you’re buying, not selling.  You don’t need anyone else so don’t settle (another one it took a while to actually stick with). And, the topic of this post, “if you wanna play, you gotta pay”. (Originally, as you might imagine, [or maybe not, depending on your parents] this was wisdom imparted during a particularly heinous hangover.)

All of this advice is probably stuff that I could write an individual post about, and likely will if I write enough posts, but given that we are on the brink of a holiday, the first of which with nice weather and some of the country actually open in Canada, I felt particularly drawn to the if you wanna play, you gotta pay and not just because Canada Day tends to be a drinking holiday but because it covers more than just a hangover.

I absolutely do not ever want people to feel that they cannot deviate from their healthy lifestyle.  That is psychologically destructive and actually a recipe for failure.  It is not a healthy lifestyle if when we cannot stick to it we are racked with guilt and shame.  If we think that we can’t be successful if we stray from our routine, then when we inevitably slip up it will seem like the end of the world, instead of the reality that, most of the time, it’s not a big deal.  It may, however, have some consequences and the decision you have to make is what something is worth.

At home, I don’t generally eat animal products (meat, eggs, dairy) and very minimal processed foods.  For me personally this diet choice works the best for me, not just for how I look physically but how I feel.  When I went to whole foods, plant-based my hormone related issues (cyst and fibroids) improved considerably, it became easier to manage my weight, I had fewer cravings, my skin got better and I felt more energetic and happy.  I am in no way pushing this on anyone else, this is just what has worked for me.  But believe you me, my favourite foods still involve cheese and while I am completely content to live without it at home there are times when at others homes or away that there is pizza or a charcuterie board and I partake. 

There are almost always consequences for this.  Sometimes extremely mild.  Sometimes quite painful.  It depends on how much I have.  If I just have one day of indulging then usually it’s mild – a few cramps, maybe a bit bloated, not feeling as energetic, maybe a mild headache.  If, like at Christmas each year, it’s a couple weeks of lots of socializing and parties, partaking a significant amount more in foods that don’t do the best for me and, of course, consuming more than my normal amount of adult beverages, then it will ALWAYS result in a cyst rupture within the few weeks following.  That has improved over time as I’ve gotten healthier, but it hasn’t completely gone away.

And every time I think, well, if you wanna play, you gotta pay.  I made the choice to partake in the food.  I made the choice to stay up too late.  I made the choice to probably have an adult beverage or two (or eight).  I am the one who made all those choices, knowing what the possible outcome could be.  I enjoyed myself, but eventually there is a cost for it.  

If you’re on a weight loss journey and you go away to an all-inclusive for a week where you indulge in lots of decadent food and alcohol – you cannot expect to lose any weight that week; in fact you might gain a pound or two that week.  It isn’t the end of the world; if you get back on track when you come home you will quickly lose what you gained and continue your progress, but the cost will be a small set-back in how quickly you lose your weight.  Would you rather enjoy your vacation and lose your weight a few weeks slower but be able to stick with it in the long run?  Or would you rather stress about food on your vacation, enjoy it less and potentially not even be able to stick with your diet changes long term?  Personally, I’m eating on vacation.  The price is worth it to me.

Within reason.

As years have gone on, my yearly January cyst rupture has bothered me more and more. It’s always the worst one, albeit less severe than it used to be but as I’ve reduced my alcohol consumption and learned more and more how to make healthy food extremely delicious I’ve felt something nagging at me questioning why I still put myself through those two or more weeks of free-for-all eating and overindulging if that is the result? If I enjoy my healthier food options, and almost never feel deprived, and generally don’t miss alcohol (though, for me, the occasional beer or glass of champagne is just heaven) then why do it?

I talked a couple weeks ago about your new life costing your old one and how even though we know something isn’t good for us, that doesn’t mean it’s just easy to not do it.  In my family (or shall we say families) we LOVE Christmas!  And a part of Christmas in some branches of my family has just always been that it’s big and decadent.  We have lengthy email chains planning the food (of which we always have WAY too much).  We bring our favourite cocktails and beers and wines to share.  We dress up fancy and have music going and we dance.  But my family is also INCREDIBLY supportive and having seen how far I’ve come over the past several years, if I tried to rework some of the food items that are traditions for us, they would embrace it…so maybe now it’s time to do that.  It’s entirely a mental block for me that the food HAS to be ENTIRELY stuff I don’t usually eat in order for me to actually be enjoying myself.

Canada Day, similarly, was one of my Grandfather’s birthdays and the entire extended family always got together for it.  After he passed away we continued that tradition of gathering – it’s called the Family Olympics and there is generally some sort of fun and games involved.  The last time one of the games was beer pong even. (I won with Sandy’s brother BTW – still have the trophy, still super proud).  This is honestly one of my favourite family events of the year, but I always feel like absolute garbage the following day…we’re usually outside, I usually drink endless Corona’s all day, possibly mixed with Sangria and some other fancy cocktail one of my cousins brings.  I either eat too much or am so distracted socializing and swimming and drinking that I don’t eat enough and, well, I play…and then I pay.

Alcohol specifically is a very complicated topic that many of us have a very complex relationship with.  I do actually feel like I am one of the people with a not-so-straightforward relationship with it and am in the process of writing about that for a post later in July, so for today suffice it to say that I do still drink a bit at these functions but may or may not continue to as my health journey unfolds.  Right now, it’s worth the price of admission – but I’ve also changed what I’m looking for in the experience so the cost doesn’t have to be quite so high anymore.

So here we are…nearing the end of a post without my having imparted any sort of great wisdom on how to avoid paying dearly for overindulging at fun events.  And I hate to say it, but in this instance, unfortunately I have none.  I have some good tips on how to maybe suffer less (those I will be sharing this week on Instagram on my @coach_trishabell account) but this post is specifically about the cost to play equation, and the math is simple:

If you want to eat food that you know isn’t great for you – you’re likely to not feel as great either right after or the next day or maybe even for the next week.

If you want to drink alcohol – you might have a hangover and even if you don’t the science is crystal clear that you will not sleep as well, be as well rested and are likely to be dehydrated with reduced muscle and cognitive function.

If you want to stay up late having fun (or I mean even not having fun, just being awake) – you are going to be tired.

If you want to sleep in on the weekend – you might have trouble sleeping on Sunday night and you might find it harder to get up through the week

If you’ve read this far and are feeling ripped off that I can’t give you better news – well I truly am sorry, but as usual, nothing in life is free.

The good news is that our mindset about it is what matters.  If you go out this weekend and have a blast (while of course adhering to any necessary Covid restrictions and being safe because PLEASE be safe – we’ve come so far!) then make sure that whatever you choose is worth it.  If having a few pints with friends is your idea of heaven on earth then have the damn pints and instead of crying about it on the couch the next day pull out the pictures, and laugh about the good time and pay your fee with as much of a smile as you can muster on your face.  But if during those pints you know they’re going to want wings and fries and you’re not that crazy about wings and know that they are going to make you feel that much worse, then skip the wings.  Make the math work for you…if the price on Friday is not worth the experience on Thursday then change the experience until the price is something you can afford.  

Nothing in life is free.  There’s always something we’re paying in exchange for what we’re getting – so if you wanna play, you gotta pay…but it’s up to you if the play is worth the cost of admission.