I am the first to admit that when I think I’m right, and it is something I am passionate about and that I believe deeply in, it is very hard for me to not be frustrated when someone disagrees with me.  I want to share everything I know about it so that they can understand too…I am absolutely 100% convinced that if they just know everything there is to know, they’ll change their mind.

Well spoiler alert, it doesn’t often go that way.  If someone has made their mind up, chances are any additional unsolicited information you try to force upon them is going to fall on deaf ears…or they will even find a way to spin that information to support their point instead of hearing it the way you intended. This is confirmation bias and, trust me, we all do it.  We seek out and hear only (or mostly) that which supports our argument and downplay or ignore any information that doesn’t suit us.  Some take it further than others but it is a natural inclination to seek out information that helps our case…to be honest, when you’re angrily trying to pepper someone with all the facts you know are going to convince them, and they are coming back with their own arguments, they probably feel EXACTLY the way you do about you changing your mind…they are passionate about their beliefs too.

Obviously we have seen this in a big way over the course of this pandemic with conflicting views on vaccines and lockdowns and other public health measures that were introduced.  I am absolutely not going there today (or likely any other day) but I have to acknowledge that this is a major example since we saw people so firmly and passionately entrenched on each side of the arguments surrounding this. People have stopped speaking to long-time friends or even family members because of conflicting beliefs, they’re arguing with strangers on the internet every single day, and getting into altercations in public spaces.

People are stressed.  People are frustrated.  People believe they are right and cannot understand how anyone could possibly not see what they see…there is no other way when we have gone all in on something.

And it isn’t just the pandemic…it’s a million different topics that can stand to divide us: politics and religion, perspectives about mental health, and issues surrounding equality are big ones for sure…but even how we choose to eat and our view on what is healthy, what type of exercise we choose, how we parent/discipline/reward children, what we wear, and how our romantic relationships appear on the outside. For many of us, if someone starts to criticize how or why we do something, we feel attacked and we want to explain; we want to be understood.

The worst is when people misunderstand YOU, as a person; when they only know what they know about you and either don’t have enough information or are lacking context and have formed opinions of you that aren’t true.  Maybe they think you’re a bitch or that you’re lazy or that you’re a party girl who isn’t all that smart.  They might have formed that impression because they only see you in specific circumstances or because the first thing they ever heard about you was a negative piece of gossip or maybe they have known you through a time in your life when you weren’t your best or going through a rough situation and they can’t seem to believe that you might have grown past it.

There could be a thousand reasons why someone can’t seem to see you for who you are…but I am telling you right now, one of the greatest “self-care” moves you can make is to not argue with anyone who is committed to misunderstanding you.  Read it again:

Don’t argue with anyone who is committed to misunderstanding you.

If someone, who you know doesn’t have all the facts, or has jumped to conclusions because of their own internal stuff, is making judgements about you, or about your stance on something, that is not likely to be a person you are going to convince to change their mind simply because you’re telling them they’re wrong.  You have to be OK with just letting them be wrong and continuing to live your life.

Is this hard?  Yes.  When it is something really hurtful and untrue that they believe, are you going to be sad? Probably also yes.  But there is absolutely no purpose in beating your head against a wall trying to make them see things your way…no amount of force will do it.  The only thing that stands a chance?  Just being who you know you are and carrying on.

A very small scale example is when I changed how I ate.  If someone had told me years before that dairy wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be I would have told them they’re nuts.  I was brainwashed by the Canada Food Guide, but when I was frustrated enough, I finally got to the point where I thought “OK, I’ve been doing everything all these sources are telling me and nothing is getting better.  I’m still sick.  I’m still in pain.  I’m still suffering. There must be a better way.” I had to come to that on my own though, no amount of pressure from anyone else was going to convince me, I had to be open to changing my mind before I was going to see that MAYBE something was wrong with this picture.  Once I changed how I ate, I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, why didn’t everyone realize that we’d been over-complicating this for ourselves?!  That it didn’t need to be so hard!  Eat more plants.  Eat REAL food, not stuff out of packages.  Stop starving yourself.

But, other than my husband, most people just didn’t want to hear it. So I decided actions speak louder than words; I would just do what I believe to be right and hope that my positive results would result in more people wanting to jump on board.  

And it has definitely worked that way.  Because I’m not ramming my opinions down their throats they have time to think about it, to ease into their level of comfort.  They seem to trust my perspective more because I’m not working in absolutes…there is nothing they “can’t have”, there are just things they’re trying to eat more of.   

I also think that my opinion is more respected more now because it is clear that I practice what I preach.  I’m not perfect and I own that I’m not but this is actually how I eat and have been doing so for several years with very positive outcomes for my overall well being.  At the beginning I could tout “facts” but had only months of personal experience…while the ripped fitness influencer on IG was touting exactly opposing facts and had a six pack and a booty that defies gravity, oh and a protein powder you can buy from them that’s basically a powdered miracle, who do people want to believe?

I still may not be ripped, nor am I a fitness influencer, but the balance I can maintain in my life, I believe, is a lot more reasonable and attainable for the vast majority of people who aren’t professional bodybuilders or fitness models and don’t have several hours to spend in the gym every-single-day.

Not everyone wants that answer though.  And I don’t argue with anyone who disagrees.

I also will never shame anyone for their choice in workout if that’s what they enjoy doing to stay active or believe is right for them.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is a waste of time if you enjoy it and it gets you moving/eating a little better. To me, there is no wrong answer, because me putting down what others like to do is actually more likely to make them not want to do anything.

There is a quote, and various versions of it are attributed to different origins but essentially it’s: what other people think of you is none of your business.

No matter how much evidence you give someone to the contrary, some people are just going to believe what they believe about you.  They are going to think you’re wrong about what you eat, or how you dress, or how you parent, or how you exercise, or whether or not you are vaccinated…they will continue to think you’re lazy or dumb or spoiled if that is the conclusion they’ve come to.  It doesn’t matter what the reasons are, they won’t change anything, they feel how they feel; what you can control is how you respond.

Not everyone deserves to understand you.  Just like you aren’t owed an explanation from anyone else for your assumptions either.  If people make an assumption about you, or vice-versa, based on the surface information they/you know then that’s their/your business, but you have limited time and energy on this planet and you don’t need to waste that precious time arguing with someone who has already made up their mind.  Maybe it’s worth trying to prove them wrong if it’s your boss or spouse or you genuinely did something hurtful to a friend that you did not intend…but beyond that you gotta ask yourself, why do you need this person to like you?  Why do you need them to understand?  Is it just because you can’t stand not being liked?  

Self-care is also being able to be OK with yourself when others aren’t.  If you are standing in your own integrity and can look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day and know that you are doing/have done/will do your best then that has to be enough…because as the Brothers Osborne put it “I’m good for some but I’m not for everyone”.