There are a lot of things we can hate on about the internet and social media.  It can be frustrating, and even downright dangerous, what it allows people to just share with the world.  Unsolicited opinions on our life choices and bodies.  Completely false health or fitness recommendations.  Out-and-out scary political and socio-economic views.  And, as we’ve seen plenty during the course of this past nearly two years, inaccurate and potentially harmful medical information.  It can be a breeding ground for dysfunction.

But it can also be fun and positive and connect those that would otherwise be alone and as much as some days it can feel exhausting, I am beyond grateful for the connection that social media has given me.

Another thing I love about the internet?  The meme’s that make you realize “holy crow, that isn’t just me?!” And I had just the exact perfect example of that a couple weeks ago when I saw someone share the below:

I swear I nearly spat my drink.  And when I shared it the number of responses I got was significantly more than usual on something like this.  This commentary on how so many of us just want to fit in, accommodate others, not rock the boat, was one of the most relatable things I’ve shared in my stories in months.  And while it’s funny, (because OH MAN, how many emails with completely reasonable requests have I spent way too long crafting that ended with “totally ok if not!”? TOO MANY) it also just tells us how much work so many of us have to do on boundaries.

I have always been the devil’s advocate in any group that I’m in.  I’m the peacekeeper.  The “let’s all get along” cheerleader.  The compromise finder.  And while it is often a very needed skill to help people find middle ground, what I’ve discovered is that most people who are like that are also usually the first ones to compromise themselves, without asking others to.  I don’t want to put people out, I want to be easy to please.  I want everyone to be happy, so I just go with the flow.

The problem is I’m also trying to balance that with being a complete control freak.  It’s fine if I let someone else call the shots, but if they can’t settle on something and I can’t plan ahead then I am going to panic.  So instead of enjoying whatever it is we are going to do I am spending the whole time anxious and feeling taken for granted – I am the selfless person who is letting you decide things, how dare you not do it in a manner that is timely enough for me!  I’m easy going, until things are not easy – and then I’m losing it.

But here’s the thing, for years I just carried on letting other people do what they wanted even though it made me uncomfortable without telling them in advance what I needed from them.  I’d say “let me know when you know!” but what I meant (and needed from them) was “can you let me know by tomorrow?”  And then when they took five days, and even then I had to follow-up, I was mad and felt unappreciated or taken for granted.  I never set a boundary, but I expected people to respect that I needed one.

When I started trying to take better care of myself I was an Executive Assistant to six Executives and three Doctors and had a terrible commute to work.  I knew that I needed to adjust my hours to be able to make things work better for me so I requested the ability to start and leave work earlier and thoroughly justified why I needed it.  It absolutely should have been able to work for everyone, but even so, I ended my request with “of course if I’m needed at alternative times I will continue to be flexible and adjust accordingly.”  (The business equivalent of “totally ok if not!) I of course meant, oh say, if the building was on fire one day or other such emergencies, not like they left something to the last second and now had to make their own photocopies, but I didn’t expressly say that, assuming it was pretty clear given that my reasons for needing the accommodation was my health.  But because I wanted to just be so darn agreeable, any time it was even the slightest bit inconvenient or wasn’t serving them to not have me there when they were, or I wasn’t answering my cell phone at 7 PM because I was working out, or ya know, living my life, or I stopped working when taking a sick day, they would call into question if I actually valued my job anymore.  At the time I wanted to imagine that they weren’t respecting my boundaries, and absolutely they weren’t, but looking back on it, I did a pretty terrible job of setting any.  At the end of the day, the problem was more me than it was them.

And the problem in that situation wasn’t JUST that I wasn’t clear enough on my boundaries, it was also that I didn’t enforce the few I was clear on.  If I ALWAYS gave in and never said no, then why should they ever expect me to not be available?

If someone comes to stay in your home and you want to set boundaries, you tell them the rules before they come, so they know whether or not they can adhere to them.  But if they agree to them but when they get there they don’t adhere to them, and you don’t do anything about it…that’s actually a YOU problem, not a THEM problem.  It’s all well and good to state that you have boundaries; it’s another thing entirely to actually enforce them.

Certainly it sucks when we take them time to tell people how we want to be treated and they don’t respect that.  It hurts and you will feel taken for granted and maybe even unloved, and, for many of us, the solution is to imagine that WE asked too much.  We shouldn’t feel hurt that they can’t do what we asked because it was TOO MUCH to ask.  But, and I speak from extensive experience compromising my boundaries and ending up hurt, at the end of the day, you KNOW what happened and you can’t unknow it.  You’re going to keep being hurt and keep feeling bad. Someone else’s choices are theirs to make, you cannot make them make better or kinder choices, but you can respect yourself enough to stand firm on what you know you need to feel good.  It might be tough in the present moment but we are talking short term pain for long term gain here.  It’s the difference between a cut that you treat and let heal or one that you pick at the scab and let get infected.  One heals and eventually you may never even have a scar, the other is likely to leave a mark for life, and may even require medical intervention (in the case of boundaries, that’s a ton of therapy btw).

And don’t get me wrong, when I say short term pain, I know I’m not talking about a papercut.  I know that the short term pain I’m talking about is EXTREMELY painful.  Had I been more firm about my boundaries in that job I likely would have been told I couldn’t be accommodated…and since at the time I did love my job that would have sucked a lot and I would have felt really let down for a while – but then at least I could have found a job that did fit my boundaries and moved on, instead of both trying to keep my boundaries and also try to play the ever available assistant and failing at both. In the end I only stayed there another year and a half, but it became the longest year and a half of my life, and over the course of that time I ended up hating the job. Instead of getting the pain over with quick, I just dragged it out for more than a year, feeling unappreciated, taken for granted and miserable.  I was so scared of the up front no, that I suffered more, for longer, and was just bitter and resentful by the end.

If I’m being honest, and I do always try to be here, I still have a lot of work to do on enforcing my stated boundaries.  I am very self-aware and honest about my needs so it is very easy for me to set them, but enforcing them is much harder for me.  I still want to take care of people when I can and I like to be helpful and make others happy.  It’s a work in progress but one that I am working on and constantly aware of.  My solution right now is generally to keep distance with most people that I know can’t respect my boundaries, which is not a terrible solution. If you can, absolutely you shouldn’t spend a lot of time with people who don’t respect you, but since it isn’t always possible we do have to be able to honour ourselves and hold our boundaries when faced with needing to.

If boundaries are something you need to work on, start with a list of things that are important to you, your non-negotiables, and what you might need to ask of others around those things.

A few of mine are:

  • If I’ve scheduled a workout, I don’t cancel it for social plans – if someone messages me for drinks on a Thursday at 6 and that is the time I go to a class I love or the only time I can workout that day then I will not cancel it. Of course sometimes I need to adjust my schedule for bigger events but there will always be a reason I should skip a workout and it’s a slippery slope so that is a commitment that I make to myself now.
  • I like my kitchen to be clean and tidy – I use my kitchen a lot and keep it very clean, so I expect anyone who uses my kitchen to clean up after themselves; wash any pots and pans, wipe the counters, and place their dishes in the dishwasher.  I don’t ask for them to do anymore than was done when they got there but it needs to be left how it was found.  
  • I need time in my weekend to meal prep so usually I am firm that I don’t make plans on a Sunday.  If Sunday is a special event (like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day) then I will do my meal prep on Saturday and won’t make any plans that day instead.  If that means that I have to say no to something then that’s what it means.  I need to get my food done to set myself up for the week or I am stressed out.

Not everyone is going to have the same non-negotiables and therefore won’t need the same boundaries.  Some people’s might be about the time they get up or that they have to have coffee before they do anything else.  There are a ton of options and I have others, but those are a few that come to mind now and are particularly important to me.

At the end of the day, boundaries are a very important aspect of self-care.  They give us the space to do the things that matter to us.  They tell others how we need to be treated.  They send a signal to us, and others, that we respect ourselves and prioritize our needs.

So next time you’re sending an email with a completely reasonable request, do me a favour and delete anything that resembles “if that’s ok with you” or “no worries!” or “totally ok if not!” Because you deserve to know where you stand, now – not a year and a half from now.