So I think we all know that a person who is told constantly that they aren’t good/smart/attractive/worthy/capable enough are inclined to end up believing those things.  Their self-esteem is probably very low, they’re less likely to try for promotions or participate in group activities…they tend to try to become invisible so that they don’t bother anyone around them.

What not everyone realizes is that the bully who does this to us, can actually be ourselves.

Not everyone who comes to believe that they aren’t good enough or aren’t capable of accomplishing what they set out to has lived with someone abusive who convinced them that they should feel that way; sometimes they’ve pieced it together for themselves over the course of their lives through the negative interactions or perceived slights, from the isolated unkind comments we all experience at one time or another; maybe they’ve felt left out a lot, or always believed themselves to be overweight.  Sometimes it isn’t that any one person has repeatedly TOLD us that we should feel this way, it’s that we’ve hyper-focused on the negatives we’ve experienced and in turn convinced ourselves of it.

Lets face it, we’re inundated with imagery of how things “should be”…how our bodies should look, what makes a relationship good, what jobs are respectable, the size our homes should be…this is problematic enough on it’s own, but add in that the standards change constantly and two sources you value could have completely opposing views and you have a recipe for never being able to live up.

I’m not here to tell you that you should always be positive, it isn’t possible and just always believing things are great is not really any more productive than believing everything is horrible (more on this toxic positivity in a coming week!)  But if your internal dialogue is filled with “you can’t”, “you won’t”, “you never”, or “don’t even try” then you need to evaluate that relationship.

We can’t all be good at everything, you aren’t perfect…no one is. A few things I’m “not good at” that at one point or another bothered me? I’m not a great singer, I’m not naturally very physically coordinated and riding a bicycle scares the bejesus out of me.  We used to go to karaoke every single week; my sister and best friends are great singers (I was an excellent beer drinker haha)…I was embarrassed about not being able to sing, and as a result only ever got the nerve up to participate twice…but thinking about it, I could have gone for lessons and practiced, learned what you do to get better at singing, it’s a skill like many other things; some people are naturals and others have to work at it.  But I never did anything to get better, so at some point I have to admit that it wasn’t that important to me; now I just sing in the car or home alone…and that’s fine.  Back then I told myself “I can’t sing” now the narrative in my head about singing?  “It’s not one of my strengths.”  As in, I HAVE strengths, it’s ok that this isn’t one of them.”

Same story for being coordinated and riding a bike – I’ve never taken up ballroom dancing or salsa or any other activity that might help my coordination, and I keep not spending enough time on a bicycle to get past my fear…those are choices I am making because I am prioritizing my time on other things.  The absolute only way that these things reflect on me at all is that they are evidence of what I am choosing to prioritize – and what you choose to prioritize should be in line with your values.

I used to play the piano and I loved it – I haven’t made time in years to play, if I were to make time for something musical I would go back to that over singing.

I already have many fitness related goals and activities that I try to fit in – taking up something that would make me a better dancer is VERY low down the priority list for me at this point…that could change though!

Riding a bicycle has a certain appeal to me because I don’t like having to drive everywhere – it’s something I want to get better at BUT the last handful of years I’ve spent my available time running and if I have to choose between the two, running is the hands down winner.

Some different (better) ways of wording “I can’t,” “I suck at”, “I’ve never been able to”.

“I haven’t chosen to prioritize…”

“It isn’t one of my strengths…”

“I can’t yet.” (IF you are actively working on improving at something).

“I’m in the process of learning…”

“It isn’t something that comes naturally to me like (insert something that you are naturally good at).” – small side note on this one: the thing you are good at here absolutely has to be genuine, not self-deprecating like my snarky remark about being good at drinking beer, I say that to be funny, but that is not my internal dialogue now; a better one would be “singing isn’t something that comes naturally to me, the way writing does.” 

“I’ve never spent a lot of time trying to improve on that…”

“It has never been a big interest to me.”

“I’ve always been intrigued by that but haven’t had the opportunity to spend a lot of time trying it.”

“That isn’t for me.”

When it comes to how our bodies are built the dialogue changes a little…a large majority of us HAVE spent plenty of time on trying to “improve” our bodies, with varying degrees of success.  For me, stopping the focus on the ways my body had “failed” me and focusing instead on all the AMAZING things it has done for me was the only way to change the narrative in my head about my perceived imperfections.

My view that my body was “broken” and a “lemon” because of my mental health struggles and reproductive issues – well when I really look at it, having survived all the things I have makes my body pretty amazing; it adapted, fought and survived all the things that it has gone through.

The stretch marks that became more pronounced when I lost weight – are evidence of how far I’ve come.

The times it’s gained weight seemingly so easily – it was doing what it needed to to alert me that there was a problem and to protect itself.

I used the W. Somerset Maugham quote last week “If you don’t change your beliefs, your life will be like this forever. Is that good news?” But this week let’s use the phrase “internal dialogue” instead of beliefs. “If you don’t change your internal dialogue, your life will be like this forever.  Is that good news?”

At the end of the day it’s just you in your head; you spend more time with yourself than anyone else…if you’re living inside yourself with a bully who is constantly telling you that you aren’t good enough, it’s going to make things a hell of a lot harder.  So if you want to start to live outside your comfort zone, to love the skin you’re in, regardless of the number on the scale, or in the waistband of your pants, the first thing you need to do is change the message you’re sending everyday.

That doesn’t mean you have to tell yourself you’re awesome all the time, it just means acknowledging, and focusing on, that you ARE awesome at least some of the time.  Make sure that THAT is the message being received.