Be Honest

A couple weeks ago I talked about Mindset and how the messages we send ourselves directly impact our chances for success when it comes to achieving our goals.  Check it out here if you haven’t already. 

I don’t know about you but my IG feed is FULL of posts every single day about loving the skin we’re in and embracing our imperfect minds and bodies – anxiety, dysfunctional thoughts, stretch marks, scars, extra weight and all. And after a lifetime of airbrushed images even the models themselves couldn’t live up to – I’m about it.  But embracing ourselves as we are, both mentally and physically, is not as simple as one day deciding to stop beating ourselves up.  This week I want to go a little deeper into mindset and talk about embracing the choices we’ve made in our lives and genuinely loving yourself as you are, right here, right now.  Sounds a little daunting right?  Believe me I know, but 100% worth it.

For most of us, this movement of loving ourselves and being proud of who we are, as we are, isn’t vanity or conceit.  Showing ourselves some love was missing in our lives and vital to growing.  Having the confidence to post that first “I love myself even though I’m not perfect” image genuinely felt inspiring for me.  It helped to shift something forward and bolstered that if I put it out there I should try to believe it because something that has always meant a lot to me is integrity.  I want to be around people and organizations that behave in ways that support what they say they believe.  So, because I don’t want to be a hypocrite, having integrity myself is important to me too.  Basically, I think that if you’re going to post those empowerment, love thyself as thou are graphics…then back it up baby!  

The first thing I really posted owning my total lack of perfection and being proud of myself anyway was this:

I had just started yet another job, in a different industry and was feeling self-conscious about my lack of direction (I’ve had a lot of jobs – in a lot of industries).  There are lots of reasons why I lacked direction – my mental health as a teenager and physical health limitations in my 20’s to name the couple of big ones – but I still felt like I was doing it wrong.  You finish high school (strike one), you go to university (strike two), you get a job in the field you studied after graduating (strike three).  And if you don’t follow that specific track (as I have now realized many people of my generation have not), then you still pick SOMETHING and focus on that; you go into a trade or a certain industry or you go into a family business or you start your own business. Not like me who has worked in administration, hospitality (as a waitress, a bartender and eventually a general manager), home cleaning, retail, medical reception, general labour on an assembly line, executive assisting (with a side of providing a therapy dog) and project management…and while doing all that I took some Addiction Counseling courses (that I never formally used), Accounting courses (that I never formally used) and went back to college for a Library and Information Technician Diploma (I haven’t worked a single paid day in a library). *shrug*  It is what it is, people.  Who knew that the road I was travelling on was leading me towards health and fitness, but it was.

When I posted that image I was beginning to see the ridiculousness that was constantly comparing myself to others whose situations in no way resembled mine.  Sure so-and-so seemed to be thriving in their brand new house, with their fancy job that they lovvvvved, while I was trying another new thing that I hoped I both liked and could manage to even do long term while still living with my parents, but expecting that I could have done what so-and-so did given what I had to work with is ludicrous. I wasn’t coming out of a major mental health episode that completely crippled me as a teen to launching a career at 23.  That’s just reality.

Sometimes I had moments of anger about that; of “life’s not fair”.  And let’s be honest, it’s not.  No matter how hard you try there are going to be things that work against you and that is just the facts.  So what do we do with that information?  Because being mad, and pissed off and giving up because of it isn’t going to get us any closer either.  Going through tough things in life can either make us better and stronger, or make us bitter and more fragile, it’s all about how we choose to handle them.  

When I stopped being angry about life being unfair was when I acknowledged that some of my situation was my own choices.  What I simply call, “owning my shit”.  Yes, I was dealt a really bad hand as a younger person.  Absolutely.  And at that time I didn’t have the capacity or autonomy to make a lot of choices about how that was handled and everyone who did handle it did the absolute best they could with what was available.  But once I became an adult and I did have more capability, I did make the choices; in fact I insisted upon making the choices.  Some of those I made with a very immature view of the world because I didn’t know any better.  I could only work with what I knew.  But some, I damn well did know better and didn’t want to believe it; like oh say, dating an out of work drug addict orrrrrr a womanizing alcoholic 11 years older than I was.  Because I did both of those things in my early 20’s and both of those relationships set me back big time.  My confidence was shattered, the finances I had started to get on track were absolutely pillaged, and I spent so much time trying to not fail at those relationships that I ended up failing in other areas: my health and my career pursuits mainly. 

Was it my fault that those two guys were assholes?  No, of course it wasn’t.  They had good qualities too and I focused on those.  But I made the choice to stay.  To lend them money with no evidence of a way for them to pay me back.  To continue to put myself in harm’s way.  Yes, leaving relationships like that is scary, but I still made the choice to stay.  And somehow when I faced that not everything I had been through had been dealt “TO” me it actually helped me instead of making me feel bad.  Because you know what that means?  It means that I have some control over outcomes in my life.  And THAT is power.

I choose to own the part I played in the situations my younger self ended up in and forgive myself for them.  I wasn’t mature or confident enough to know how to navigate those circumstances.  And what gave me the maturity and confidence was, ironically, going through them; every messy, awful, expensive, heart-wrenching, part.  The woman that survived those horrible things is a badass and I am grateful I got what I needed to get stronger in life and I love myself for it.  

Think about something you think of as truly dumb that you did when you were younger?  Staying in a horrible relationship?  Taking drugs because of peer pressure?  Sleeping with someone because you really wanted them to like you? Starving yourself to fit into a pair of jeans?

Can you imagine doing that now?  For me it’s a hard no. I did all of those things at one point but I could not handle the day-in, day-out anxiety it took to be in those situations now. If you asked anyone who knows me what I would do if a man raised his hand to me now, I bet they would tell you that I would fight back and walk out with no second thought; I would hold them accountable.  But I stayed with a guy who was abusive for over a year; the entire time I was just anxious and worried and trying to be perfect so that I didn’t provoke him every single day; and I never held him accountable.  

For a long time I felt so embarrassed about having been in that situation at all, but now when I think about it I think, why in god’s name should I beat myself up about the part where I stayed, when what matters is that I LEFT!!  That woman who was scared of her own shadow got herself up, stood up to a man that treated her terribly, walked out the door and never went back.  She evolved so that I could be who and where I am now.  The woman that chose to be with him was so broken and scared, she didn’t know how to not just want to be loved at any cost. The one who left had learned that she deserved more than that situation and as soon as she knew that and was strong enough, she left.  How could I do anything less than love her for that? 

And now I feel the same about my health.  I love food.  I love eating.  I love feeding family and friends.  That hasn’t changed, but I know more now.  I shake my head remembering myself starving myself for days, or compulsively checking how many carbs something had, or what I used to consider a healthy diet…I was so far off it makes me cringe.  But while I used to silently scream “what are you doing?!” at that former me, I don’t anymore because I know that I didn’t have the tools I have now to question what I was being told.  It took years upon years of treatment after treatment and diet after diet and seeing that there were no lasting effects and the feeling of “is it really supposed to be THIS hard?” growing slowly over time.  I couldn’t have just skipped through all that stuff so I was trying with what little I knew and I kept trying and learning until I actually figured it out.  

How many times did I try to diet?  Did I join a gym or buy a home workout program with the same enthusiasm believing that this time I’d found the missing piece?  It may have been naive but if I hadn’t kept that drive I wouldn’t be where I am now.  So as much as it has led me down some bizarre roads, I am grateful for my wild ride of fad diets because it was the driver for me finding freedom from the whole thing and a passion that I believe is what I was meant to do with my life.  

Now instead of thinking ‘Why was I so stupid?’ I think, ‘Thank God I was determined to figure it out and persevered through so many mistakes!’

Some decisions are more blatantly bad calls of course, (for me dating the alcoholic womanizer AFTER the drug addict was pretty bad) but there is still always a way to find something to take away from it and to allow yourself to forgive the error in judgement.  The fact is, we’re human, and sometimes we make shitty calls and the justification for a lot of them is pretty weak…and that’s when it’s almost the most powerful to own it.  Facing our own bad behaviour and saying “Come on Trisha.  You know better than that…what’s going on here?” is powerful! And once I’ve owned a bad call – “Ok, I made the choice to do something that was a bad idea.  I did it because (insert reason here) but it was still my choice.  I don’t like how I feel now, so I’m not going to do it again” – now it’s very hard to turn a blind eye and do it again.  I don’t want to have to face myself in the mirror knowing I am not being truthful about my values.  

That brings me back to – who do you think you are?  I want to be someone I can show that unconditional love to but if I am not having the integrity I expect in myself that is much harder.  

I’m not saying it’s a quick change.  Being honest about my flaws and owning my responsibility for some of the worst moments was not a natural inclination and has taken a lot of practice for me.  But removing blame from others frees up all the energy you use to avoid responsibility and gives you the power to learn and move on with love and respect for yourself.  This isn’t beating yourself up endlessly or putting yourself down, it’s just being honest.  I made a call, it was wrong, what did I learn, let’s not repeat it.  Done. Move on.

If you start one thing for yourself this week, start with being honest about why you are where you are but also give yourself credit for all you’ve come through.  You’ve survived everything you’ve been through so far, even the self-inflicted stuff, so make today the day you start to love and appreciate your mind and body for that. Be in awe of all they do for you every single day and how amazing they are just for keeping you alive.  Once you start to love them you might just want to take the very best care of them that you can and THAT is when you might get some very different results.