As someone who has been managing mental health issues for all of my adult life, I’ve received a LOT of, generally, well-meaning advice.  Some of it has been from family.  Some from friends.  Some from professionals who I sought out specifically FOR solutions.  And sometimes, it’s from people I either don’t know, or barely know.  And I recognize that if I want to be someone who is an open book and shares my story then, of course, that is going to happen.  It’s human nature to see a “problem” and want to find a solution.

The problem with this often unsolicited advice is that generally people aren’t privy to every minute detail of our lives; they don’t know what they don’t know.  And when you oversimplify a problem down to “well just do this” when you don’t know why “this” may not be an option, it can be hurtful, or even harmful, to the person you’re talking to.

Have you ever been telling someone a story about something that happened and they interrupt you to say “you should do this!” and you’re just standing there thinking, “ok but how about I tell you what I DID do…since it already happened.” Sometimes offering someone an answer isn’t actually helpful.

Absolutely the worst piece of “advice” I’ve ever gotten was “It’s all in your head.”  What do people think they’re saying as a solution when they say that?  If you’re depressed or anxious, processing your feelings and sorting them out in your head is literally THE problem so if you could just get out of your head and “stop worrying” or “just smile” then chances are, you would do it.  So yes, 100% this empathy-lacking person is completely correct, it is IN your head…what they are not correct about is the casual implication that somehow you should be able to just “snap out of it”. (Lots of quotes today – you know I’m fired up when I’m throwing the quotes around!)

The next suggestion I’ve heard is “maybe you just need to focus on something else”.   Well then (I’m about to get REAL sarcastic here, so read the next few sentences accordingly), “THANK YOU helpful person, why didn’t I think about that and just focus on something else?!  Genius.  Problem solved.”  Yes, of course, sometimes we are fixating on something that we cannot do anything about and the best thing to do is distract ourselves…but we’re talking about situations like waiting for test results, or a phone call with news about a family member or a job interview, or ya know, like when we’re snacking just because we’re flaked out on the couch…not things like, you cannot stop feeling debilitatingly sad, or feel like you’re going to throw up when faced with dealing with your abusive boss.  Some things are actual problems that require actual work…not just things you can’t do anything about that you just need to distract yourself from.

Another fan favourite?  Any variation of “Just calm down”. You know the ones: relax; you need a drink; chill out; it’ll be fine…basically, you’re overreacting.  Even if I am…what on earth makes it seem likely that telling me I’m overreacting will somehow make me stop?  Again, like with it’s all in your head, if I could just calm down/be calmer/react less, I probably would be doing it without anyone having to tell me.

These of course are specific to mental health – unsolicited advice like this can happen for just about any topic though.  Weight loss is of course the other big one (just stop eating sugar, just don’t snack at night, just don’t buy junk anymore…the list goes on and on and on and on) and the same principles apply to that advice too.

People who tend to offer overly simple, one-size-fits-all advice like this are generally people who haven’t been there themselves and just can’t wrap their head around the problem. I try to assume that generally they are trying to be helpful, but when you don’t understand something, it’s pretty hard to offer productive solutions. Have you ever had someone start a new job in your department and on the first day when they’re confronted with one of the most common ongoing issues you face they immediately leap in trying to implement a solution before they know all the facts?  Sure sometimes fresh eyes on a problem can yield productive solutions, and in the case of a new job you know a new person is just trying to make a good impression, but generally it’s best to wait until you have all the facts before trying to offer solutions…especially when offering those solutions to people who have a lot more experience facing the problem.  

I’m not sure there are words to accurately describe depression and anxiety but let me try to describe my experience with it: 

Anxiety is sort of like the Tasmanian devil wreaking havoc on your brain, while a super villain has all of your limbs strapped to a table and a vice around your chest that tightens every time you try to resist it…oh and just for good measure, the room is on fire and you have food poisoning.  You know things are wrong.  You know you need to move.  You know you cannot stay where you are, but it gets progressively harder to breathe or focus so you’re just laying there sweating, while parts of your body go numb and/or tingly as the vice cuts off circulation, with a combination of stomach cramps and nausea.  IF you are able to get your limbs freed you can get out of the room (aka escape the situation), but the chaos in your brain, the pain in your stomach, and the whole not breathing thing…that stays.  If I have a full-blown panic attack (very rare these days), I actually feel hungover the next day.  

Depression is like the addition of an out of body experience.  Like watching that horrible scene from outside of your body and feeling like you’re somehow disconnected from it.  It’s still you and you can FEEL the anxiety, the pain, the lack of oxygen and the chaos – but it’s somehow beneath a complete numbness.  Like if you went to the dentist and they froze your mouth, but didn’t quite freeze it enough to stop you from feeling the pain – you’d still see and hear and feel and smell everything that’s happening and it would feel awful but instead of the pain being sharp and quick, it’s blunted, slow and aching. You’re physically incapable of gathering enough energy to really care that it’s happening or to DO anything about it.  You know you should but you’re tired through to your bones and so sad and numb that there is just zero sense of urgency to actually do it.  

Now not everyone who has anxiety has depression and vice-versa, but for me I have never had depression without anxiety.  I do still have a certain amount of anxiety without (clinical) depression (I still experience low moods now and then) so I know what anxiety feels like on it’s own, I cannot tell you what depression without anxiety feels like.

That’s not to say that this is the only way people experience anxiety or depression – some people have different symptoms; for me a tight chest, feeling ill, my brain swirling, a cold sweat and feeling paralyzed and tingly are standard.

So, how has all the “well meaning advice” stood up to those feelings you ask?  Quite simply, it hasn’t.  Not once has someone telling me it’s all in my head helped me.  Not once has someone telling me to “calm down” while I was on the verge, or in the midst, of a panic attack helped me to avoid it.  Never has distracting me with a shiny object diverted these feelings.  It’s completely useless advice that only serves to make me feel less trusting and safe with the people offering it.  

Sadly, I cannot make everyone in the world understand that their one-size-fits-all solutions are not actually applicable to every person in every situation.  Some people get it but some don’t.  And in no way do I think that writing this will make those that don’t get it magically understand; but that brings me to this:

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” – Charles R. Swindoll

There will ALWAYS be critics and self-proclaimed experts (aka know-it-alls).  There will always be those who lack empathy or who just don’t want to take the time to ask for more information.  There will always be those who assume that you’re just uninformed, or haven’t tried, or are just flat out lazy.  Not everyone you meet on your path through life is going to help you in the way that you wish they would.  You will never be able to insulate yourself from all the criticism, commentary and “advice” that is out there.

But what you can do is control how you react to it; not for them, but for you.  So what if they walk away not understanding and thinking they’re right?  In a lot of cases, they were always going to.  Let them go.  Remind yourself that they don’t know, what they don’t know.  That they lack empathy.  That they don’t WANT to understand. Whatever the case may be, and remind yourself (out loud if that helps!) that their (insert adjective here – careless, insensitive, misguided, irrelevant, shitty) advice doesn’t reflect on you.

If you’re doing the best you can – being honest, owning your shit, doing the work on yourself – then remember that and don’t let anyone get in your head; aren’t they the ones trying to convince you it’s already full as it is?