If you’ve ever tried to start an exercise routine you’ve probably had an accountability partner. That other person who says “hell yes!” when you’re contemplating this idea and is just as motivated to join you for your planned 6 am workouts.
And if you’ve ever had an accountability partner you have probably also learned that system isn’t bulletproof. Either they or you (let’s be honest here), maybe started bailing after a few weeks (or days) and eventually maybe the whole thing fizzled out.
If I’ve learned one thing about accountability it’s that one person doesn’t cut it most of the time.
When I relied solely on my agreement with one of my sisters to go to the gym 4x per week we lasted maybe a month, then one of us bailed and the other was relieved and then it made it easier to back out the next time and then eventually neither of us went. But when we signed up for a 6-week small group bootcamp we went to all by 1 of them (even though it was 10x harder than when we worked out on our own) because now other people, who we had paid, were involved.
The gym I attend classes at and also work out of is a small studio gym that offers bootcamp classes and personal training only. There’s no open gym to go to and while I knew that having to sign up for a class was a key for me when it came to accountability, I was terrified of larger group fitness. My husband says I exaggerate and terrified is a ridiculous word to use for this situation but I am not exaggerating, the day we were going to our first class I thought I was going to throw up from the moment I opened my eyes until the class was over. I imagined all sorts of ways this class would be a disaster and I would embarrass myself. Going to the class was my idea, yet I spent the afternoon brainstorming reasonable reasons we would not be able to go. What got me there? I had asked my husband to do it with me and he is very much a “if you say you will do something, you do it” person (also a “don’t waste money” person.) I knew before buying the pass that I wouldn’t get there without support and that he would not let me back out. Accountability win.
When we got to the gym what I found was a group of “normal” people. Some were in great shape and using heavier weight and doing the hardest version of an exercise, some were closer to the start of their journey like me or recovering from injury and were using light or no weight and modifying every exercise to the “easiest” version and many were in the middle of the two – but all of them were just there for a workout. Some had been members for years and had formed extremely close friendships, some had gotten their friends to sign up and now came together. Everyone was relatively relaxed and chatting. Everyone was comfortable with and knew the instructors. Everyone complained about 1 minute of push-ups. The only comments about what anyone else was doing was to shout motivation when someone was really killing it.
At the end of the class people asked if we enjoyed it and commented that it was a hard one and that we had done awesome. Everyone chatted and gave the instructor a hard time as they got ready to leave and talked about who was doing what class the next day.
I’m not sure what I expected. A dramatic hazing in a high school locker room? Hardly. The fact is these are adults all just trying to do the same thing I am – be a little healthier, get out of the house, try to enjoy exercise a little more, maybe make some grown up friends, and stay accountable and consistent. Anyone who is stuck in a mentality of me vs. them or one of judgement and bullying won’t want to be a member at a gym like that; they would be the odd ones out.
As we continued to go to classes we found that when you missed a few days people noticed. If one of us went without the other people would ask after us with concern. When we got stronger and could do more people cheered for us. They added us on social media. When I started to lose weight people complimented me and asked about my experience. When I switched jobs they were excited for me and remembered my first day. And when I trained to become an instructor people showed up to my classes and gave me feedback and encouraged me. They didn’t have to, but they went out of their way to do it.
I’ve been a member at an open gym and I do love to lift weights and still do that on my own, but I wouldn’t be doing it if I hadn’t found a community of people in the small studio gym and done those classes. I get the momentum I need from that community. There is really something different about the small gym where you get to know the members, become a #FitFam and share in that struggle together.
That’s not the say that they’ve replaced my accountability partners though, I think the biggest mistake I made with trying to have an accountability partner is thinking that I would find it all in one person when we need different types of accountability. Yes I get a certain amount of it from my gym FitFam but outside of that I rely on my husband, youngest sister, parents, one of my cousins, and girlfriends for various reasons and talk to them regularly for that support. Some provide more tough love, some just hype me up, some provide empathy and allow me to remember to take a break. Not one of the people in my circle could provide all of the ways that I need to be supported and held accountable. Nor could I provide the same for them.
But, here’s the kicker, if you want a community and to be supported by your circle, you gotta show up, and I don’t just mean physically. You have to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be seen. No one can accept you if they can’t see you or know you. And for me that was the hardest and scariest first step, just showing up and allowing myself to be seen as I was, where I was. Both in the gym and within my existing circle. Saying “I want this” knowing that it could mean I might fail to get it and be embarrassed was a hurdle that I made so large in my mind that overcoming it seemed impossible…but it wasn’t. My circle supported me. The community I joined accepted me…and if they hadn’t? I could have just not gone back and tried another one.
If you’re looking to focus more on something in your life the best thing you can do is to surround yourself with like-minded people. So try the bootcamp class, or the dance class, or the creative writing group, or the 12-Step group, or whatever thing it is that you want to be focusing on and get hella excited for it! Go in as you are and let people see you for who you are and see them in return and share what you’re doing with those around you. It might not be the first group you join but your people are there somewhere and you need them. Not only that but they need you; they need your stories and your experience and your energy because you are someone else’s people too.
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